When's....

So....
long time since i've blogged...but hopefully the twitter updates have been keeping everyone (emphasis on the ONE) entertained.

My lack of blogging is in no way any indication that i've not had blog-able thoughts...quite the contrary. Honestly? There's been a lot of stuff brewing in the medulla lately and I sit here with a few minutes to let it out.... so here it comes.

As a devotee to counseling, I find that particular venue lends itself to so many 'ah-hah' moments about myself. It's sometimes humbling and humiliating...but so crucial to the constant pursuit of reality as it pertains to self-awareness and who I really am. Recently, I became aware of the fact that my first tendency whenever 'disappointed' or 'let-down' in any way was to really feel a sense of 'give-up'.
Now I don't go running for the nearest cliff to jump off of or anything... but the reflex I have always felt is nevertheless one of quitting. How long I entertained the 'give up' depended on the seriousness of the disappointment... but the reflex always was the first respondent.

I grew up with a 'throw away' mentality, meaning that if something is broken, chunk it. That works in this era of disposable electronics... not so much with life. But the 'give-up' reflex is something I've struggled with. Realizing all of this really brought about some real prayer and honesty about who I was.... and how childish that really is. I felt God really wanting to grow me and move me along on this journey...so I've been dealing with it.

But, with that being said... i had an epiphany of sorts about a week ago. As I drove home from dinner with a friend, I had the sweetest feeling of contentment. Sadly, it's not a feeling I've grown accustomed to...but one I'm feeling far more frequently than ever before. I felt at peace.
My life isn't perfect...but for the first time ever, I'm learning to relish the moment: the joy, the disappointment, the awkward, the nervous, the anxious, the sadness. I'm feeling such a newness of enjoying the beloved present.... the now. Strangely, I feel ALIVE in the now and all the feelings the now brings - good and bad.

I'm sad to admit that I think I've lived my whole life up to this point firmly looking to the future: "the when" and "the then". But the idea of contentment when attached to a "when" is an illusion....no, even worse... it's a horrible lie.
"When-s" don't bring contentment... they only bring a new "when".

So... count this as one step forward on this journey.