Messy.... Part 2

So... 

the messiness of everyday life  seems to never cease to amaze me.  Being human and learning to finally be 'alive in the moment' is a great experience...i love my life.  But dang it... the whirlwind of headiness and over-thinking... the barrage of thoughts born of the original sin, the instincts, and the filters I've unconsciencely lived my life looking through... dang it if these thoughts don't conspire against me. 

What does it truly mean to take every thought captive? (2 Cor 10:5) 

I can't seem to take captive my appetite for sweet chewy caramels...how do I stand a chance against my own thoughts?  I'm human... in that, there's a common-ness I have with every human...yet I battle the isolationist 'me-ism' that thinks I'm alone, and unique in this quandary. 

And I think that it is this very 'me-centric' viewpoint that is the very root of the problem... I'm all too concerned about all things pertaining to ME.  How I feel...what I think... etc etc et-freaking cetera.

I KNOW it's a process... and a journey.  I'm to be patient... I'm the clay.  I GET IT...well, I'm trying to get it.... well, sometimes, I'm praying to be willing to try to get it.  

And yet God is patient with me.... An amazing patient father... so slow to anger.  (more on than in another blog)

Back to my point... life is messy....and relationships are messy.  In this fallen world, where entropy is the natural order of things, especially relational entropy,.... I feel small.  I've realized control is an illusion... and I'm content with that.  And my faith in God is made stronger when I take time to realize that God is in control.  It sounds cliche... but God is in control.  He's aware of every detail of my 'relatively boring by the world's standard yet pretty darn important to me' life...and He's aware of every other thing that goes on in the universe.  My comparatively finite little ant-brain can't fathom the enormity of my big God.  I'm amazed, humbled... and lavishly loved for reasons I won't soon understand. 

He's a giant God... and He loves me. 

I'm amazed he knows all my problems, most of which I play no small part in creating... and yet He still cares and helps me through them.... like the father who patiently helps his 3 yr old clean up their incredibly messy room.  God is good like that... a great Dad.

I fondly remember Cal holding my hand as a very small child... I would reach down to him and his little hand could barely wrap around my little finger. He'd hardly be able to stand up...and he'd clutch my pinky as if it were a life preserver.... 

I have that same mental image when I think of God now...  except I'm the toddler...and He's the big dad. 

I wanna hold on to His gargantuan little pinky with my itty-bitty hand....I never want to let go.

I just took one year off of your life....

so...

cal is 1 tooth lighter... the result of an abscessed decaying tooth...not a pretty sight.  But the boy is SO dramatic when it comes to pain...and this isn't a new thing.  from the soccer fields of 1st grade to today's dentist office, if he's in pain... everyone within earshot of him is gonna know about it.  

seriously... i could easily hear him screaming from the waiting room in the dentist office.  i knew not to be alarmed; over-screaming is his M.O., but i'd like to see that change.  He's got that gene I suppose but I'm hoping he'll grow out of that.  I'm not sure if it's a need for attention or a legitimate 'hair-trigger' pain threshold, but wow... I'm sure glad I was alone today in the waiting room or someone might've been tempted to dial 911.  It sounded as if the boy was on the machine that Buttercup's "man in black" was strapped to in "The Princess Bride".  I could just imagine the dentist as the 'six fingered man' asking Cal to describe how he felt afterward....

 "Interesting."  

When's....

So....
long time since i've blogged...but hopefully the twitter updates have been keeping everyone (emphasis on the ONE) entertained.

My lack of blogging is in no way any indication that i've not had blog-able thoughts...quite the contrary. Honestly? There's been a lot of stuff brewing in the medulla lately and I sit here with a few minutes to let it out.... so here it comes.

As a devotee to counseling, I find that particular venue lends itself to so many 'ah-hah' moments about myself. It's sometimes humbling and humiliating...but so crucial to the constant pursuit of reality as it pertains to self-awareness and who I really am. Recently, I became aware of the fact that my first tendency whenever 'disappointed' or 'let-down' in any way was to really feel a sense of 'give-up'.
Now I don't go running for the nearest cliff to jump off of or anything... but the reflex I have always felt is nevertheless one of quitting. How long I entertained the 'give up' depended on the seriousness of the disappointment... but the reflex always was the first respondent.

I grew up with a 'throw away' mentality, meaning that if something is broken, chunk it. That works in this era of disposable electronics... not so much with life. But the 'give-up' reflex is something I've struggled with. Realizing all of this really brought about some real prayer and honesty about who I was.... and how childish that really is. I felt God really wanting to grow me and move me along on this journey...so I've been dealing with it.

But, with that being said... i had an epiphany of sorts about a week ago. As I drove home from dinner with a friend, I had the sweetest feeling of contentment. Sadly, it's not a feeling I've grown accustomed to...but one I'm feeling far more frequently than ever before. I felt at peace.
My life isn't perfect...but for the first time ever, I'm learning to relish the moment: the joy, the disappointment, the awkward, the nervous, the anxious, the sadness. I'm feeling such a newness of enjoying the beloved present.... the now. Strangely, I feel ALIVE in the now and all the feelings the now brings - good and bad.

I'm sad to admit that I think I've lived my whole life up to this point firmly looking to the future: "the when" and "the then". But the idea of contentment when attached to a "when" is an illusion....no, even worse... it's a horrible lie.
"When-s" don't bring contentment... they only bring a new "when".

So... count this as one step forward on this journey.